Hardness
by lost-katana
Summary: Just some reasonings I came up with as to why our blue clad turtle is acting so strange lately. Told from Leo's POV. Rated T, just in case. Oneshot! [Won Third Place for Best Leonardo Scene in 2005 FanFic Competition]


Hi! If any of you read the _very_ last chapter of Suicide, you may remember a one-shot I mentioned. I didn't want to post it until Bad Day was officially released, but since so many people have actually already seen it, I decided to put it up any way.

For the readers who haven't seen it, I'm real sorry if this ruins it for you! Basically, if you haven't noticed already from the other two episodes that actually _have_ premiered, Leo is actin' kinda funny lately. His character is more subdued, in a _dark_ way, and very hostile.

This quote at the beginning is an exchange between Leo and Splinter from the episode Bad Day. When you see it, it's very interesting, considering that Leo usually doesn't talk back to Master Splinter.

Also, this is another attempt of mine at first person POV. So be nice!

Well, I suppose I should get on with it, huh? Here we go!

Disclaimer: I've run out of creative ideas for disclaimers. I'll have some more soon enough though! In the mean time, I simply don't own the TMNT, or anything related to them.

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"_And Leonardo, your behavior is most troubling of all. There is a new hardness to you; one that strays from the true path of Ninjitsu."_

"_I do what I have to do to protest this family."_

There's blood on my hands. Well, not anymore. I washed it off long before I returned here to the lair… but it's still there. Or _will_ be there. I can see it; smell it.

It's nothing, really. I didn't kill anyone... yet. Just ran into a few Purple Dragons, or to clarify, they ran into _me_. If they're lucky, that won't happen to them again. But only if they're _really_ lucky. Fortunate or not, they bleed in spite of everything after all.

They're not dead, but they'll be hurting all the same when they wake up tomorrow. A broken nose here, a few missing teeth there; who knows how many broken arms or ribs total. The cracking of bones have become a regular sound in my day to day activities.

At least I let them walk away.

They're giving me funny looks. Not the Dragons. My _family_. Splinter's disappointment; Don's silence; Mikey's dread; Raph's small moments of shock. They're cutting through me like a knife.

And just like them, I'm disgusted with myself.

The sewer's are drafty and I'm tired not only from the battle I've just fought, but from the pain that's constantly growing where Karai stabbed me. I haven't told anyone, but the bandages came off long before it was feeling better. It was the only way for me to convince Splinter I was well enough to leave the farmhouse for an hour or so. I had to get out and think.

He's told me a million times to rest. I've told him I will later, several times catching myself before saying that I'll rest when I'm dead. At this point, it seems like it's going to be that long. I can't rest.

Because s_he's_ coming.

I can sense it; deep within every part of me. I know she'll be here soon. My mind, my heart, my blood, even my bones are anticipating her arrival, like a kid at Christmas. Except this will be a deadly Christmas.

We took her father away from her. I fear what honor Karai had has been pushed to the side by the stronger urge for vengeance, without mercy.

That thought alone has ripped out my soul. In an odd way, I admired Karai; her sense of justice and duty; how despite orders, her desire to safeguard the innocent. She wasn't like the Shredder. But now I truly believe we've made her _worse_ than he was. I don't know how, but that's how it seems to me now.

But the thing is, when she comes, she'll be after _me_. Out of all my brothers, Karai held her highest respect for me. If anyone could've helped her let her master go free, she would've expected me to do so. Actually, she probably _was_. In her eyes, I've betrayed her.

Therefore, whatever Karai's planning, the outcome will come down to two options. Either she'll try to kill me first, or she'll save me for last; make me suffer as we've made her suffer. With the loss of a loved one. I think it'll be the last one personally, simply because she knows I'd rather die than lose Master Splinter and my younger brothers.

Either way, the next time we see each other, it's not gonna be pretty.

Today, the only reason why the two of us are even alive is because we haven't actually _wanted_ to kill each other. That's different now. And maybe not just for one of us…

This whole time, since Shredder's trial, I've been preparing myself for Karai's wrath. It's a matter of protecting my family, who I don't think have given it as much thought as I have. Now, I'm looking for the evil in people, not liking what I see at all. And so I go and take care of it, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

I've become worse than Raph caught on a bad day.

Every spare minute I look for those evil things in Karai. There were more than I thought there'd be. As much as it appalls me, I think I'm looking forward to fighting her. One less threat to my family.

But when you discover all of the immoral things in people, you can't help noticing those things in yourself. There's more than I would like in me. This new responsibility I've taken upon myself has, as Splinter said, created a new hardness in me. I used to be his best pupil. Now, I'm his failure.

No one's in the dojo. No one but me. Once again, I have to prepare myself for the future. Karai's coming. When I can't fight with the real thing, these dummies we have here must do. What's left of them anyways.

I feel kinda guilty. We once had eight practice dummies. In five days, I've narrowed them down to two, only one of which lost to my katanas. Every time, I've seen Karai's face on them. Every time, I've had to go to my room and cry as silently as possible because her face changes once the dummy is taken care of.

From anger to betrayal, her face changes. And both times, it's my fault.

I think my brother's have heard me in my room. One of them anyways; I don't know who. There was a time when I heard someone's breathing outside my door. Maybe it was Splinter. Maybe that's why they've been making sure to hold me back when we go topside.

I guess they haven't thought of me going out and _looking_ for a fight yet. That'll change soon. If they don't notice I'm missing from the lair every night between twelve to one in the morning, Casey will tell them I've been hanging out with him a little more than usual lately.

Problem is; regular street thugs are the best I can afford right now. She's coming. I have to be prepared. Karai is much more talented than a man with a Federation Blaster. _Much_ more lethal. I am too, but I need to reach her level if I want to beat her. My family's lives are at stake.

By doing this, I know I'm becoming just as dishonorable as she is. She has no mercy for my family; I've shown none recently for the Purple Dragon's or Bishop's agents. All we care about is stopping each other.

I'm scared, and that's an emotion I don't give in to that often. More importantly, I'm afraid of _myself_ and what I'll become. Scratch that. What I'm _becoming_. I may be breathing, therefore still living, but I feel lifeless. I wonder if I'll ever be able to retrieve what honor I've lost; come back from the dead.

Hatred; anger; violence. _Hardness_. Not only is it uncharacteristic of the true path of Ninjitsu, it's uncharacteristic of _me_. I've turned into something I hate. The old Leonardo is long gone, lost in the storm of pain, suffering, and what he knows will happen soon. Perhaps I may find him again, someday.

Maybe I can forget this whole mess, just put it behind me. If I'm lucky, maybe my family will forgive me for my behavior and actions. I could stop it. All I have to do is just make myself quit.

But there's nothing I can do about it now. I've gone too far off the path for too long. There's no turning back now. I have to keep going until I find it again.

As much as it kills me to do it, I _am_ going to hurt Karai. Maybe not kill her, but definitely hurt her in a way that will prevent her from inflicting such harm on my brothers and father.

That blood on my hands? It belongs to her- _will_ belong to her. And it doesn't matter how much soap and water I use. It'll never come off. My conscience will burn forever with her downfall. Even if the blood on _her_ hands includes Mikey's, Don's, Raph's, and Splinter's. Doesn't matter at all if it includes mine. Theirs is all I worry about.

I won't let that happen, though. I'll die of guilt, it's a small price to pay. Karai will never hurt my family again in any way whatsoever. I'll make sure I'm killed long before she can get to them, taking her down with me, before that happens.

But if it means protecting my family, the new Leonardo doesn't care.

He doesn't care about much anymore.

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Kinda short, but I hope you liked it!

The main reason why I wrote this is because of the changes I've been seeing in Leo. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell he's _very_ upset. Karai seems like an obvious explanation.

Nevertheless, I'm very worried about my poor Leo! At the rate he's going, I think he's gonna get himself killed! Maybe not necessarily from battling the bad guys to new extremes, but fighting with himself. Seriously, Leo needs a psychiatrist. The guy needs to learn how to vent.

Anyways, please review! I'm very curious to see what you guys think of this!


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